Oh, this is original
by Mother Mercury
Summary: And we have a second installation of things the HP characters would never say.
1. Default Chapter

Things the Harry Potter Characters Would Never Say

Things the Harry Potter Characters Would Never Say

Harry: Wouldn't it be great if _Snape_ was actually my father?!

Hermione: 75%, oh well, no one's perfect.

Snape: Harry, I'm actually not a slimy old git, I'm just jealous of your superb good looks Quidditch skills and it baffles me how well those glasses suit your face.

Dudley: I can't wait till Harry gets home so we can bake cookies together!

Uncle Vernon: I wish _I_ was a wizard.

Aunt Petunia: No Dudley, you _can't_ have that new video game, and by the way, you'll only be getting 20 birthday presents this year.

Mad Eye Moody: If it doesn't work the first time, just give up.

Lockhart: Look at these teeth, I'm hideous!

Quirrel: No

Voldemort: You know, black isn't a particularly flattering color, I think I'll switch to flamingo pink.

Hagrid: I'd like for you to meet Tootsie, my new pet hamster. Isn't he great?

Hermione: I really think we should sneak out and steal some stuff from Snape tonight, just for fun.

Uncle Vernon: Welcome back Harry! Let's go out for dinner and a movie!

Dudley: Happy Birthday, Harry. I'd like you to have my brand new TV set. Oh and you can have my pocket money for all of summer, I don't need it.

Hagrid: I think those are a bit too dangerous to raise as a class project, don't you?

Draco: Wouldn't it be great if we lost to Gryffindor at the next Quidditch match? They deserve to win.

Neville: Professor Snape, do you need help cleaning up after class?

Albus: Harry, you're expelled, get out of here. I never liked you, you whiny little brat. You're father would be ashamed if he were alive.

Ron: I can't wait for Divination. I think Trelawney's a looker, don't you? Those glasses emphasize her beautiful eyes.

Rita Skeeter: I think we should respect their privacy and find another story.

Lockhart: No, Severus Snape is far better looking than I. He deserves this award.

***The end***

Yeah, no one's ever done this before, have they? Stupid things just appear on my computer when I get bored, it's the strangest thing. Oh well, R/R s'il vous plait, don't tell me I'm not original, I already know that, okay? If you do, I'll write more stupid fics just to annoy you flamers! :P HA HA HA!

Mother Mercury


	2. A Second Installation

Things the Harry Potter Characters Would Never Say

Things the Harry Potter Characters Would Never Say

A Second Installation

Dudley: Dad, why can't I have glasses like Harry's?

Hermione: That Professor Vector doesn't know what she's talking about.

Harry: No, Ron, I think Professor Snape is right. I really am a bit full of myself and I should keep my trap shut. He had the right to take away all those points.

Uncle Vernon: Dudley, why can't your hair be more like Harry's?

Aunt Petunia: Dudley, let Harry have the last piece of pie.

Hagrid: Harry, you sit down. Draco, come help me with these unicorns.

Snape: Neville, if you'd like to bring your mark up a bit, I'd be glad to tutor you after class.

Voldemort: These flowers smell wonderful, Wormtail. How did you know that white roses were my favorite?

Hermione: I wish I hadn't transferred to Arithmancy, Divination sounds like so much fun. I've been learning how to read tealeaves more accurately in my spare time, you know I could give you a reading tonight, if you want. My Inner Eye is wide open, and I See that your karma is predicting a sudden death soon, Harry.

Dudley: Don't be so mean to Harry, dad, he never did anything to you.

Hagrid: Just a glass of water please, Rosmerta. 

Albus: Well, we can't find a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, so the job's yours, Severus.

Draco: I think we're a little too hard on Harry, why don't we just lay off him a bit?

Lockhart: I really don't know what I'm doing, do I?

Neville: I could take him with one hand tied behind my back!

Ron: Yay, double Potions with the Slytherins after lunch! I missed Malfoy over the Christmas break, it'll be good to catch up.

Minerva: I dunno, Hermione, go read a book.

Crabbe or Goyle: No, I believe you will find that it is during anaphase, not metaphase, that the homologous chromosomes move to the opposite ends of the cell. After this occurrence, we have telophase, where the chromatids uncoil, the spindle disappears, a nuclear membrane forms and cytokinesis occurs.

***The end***

Well, turns out I don't have to write these things to bug you, you actually _like_ them!

Mother Mercury


End file.
